Posts (page 2)

so, i sneaked into the neighbour's backyard with katie the other night, right? we walked for a while and there he was, a dark figure lurking around the driveway who spotted us, stalled for a second and then rushed into the gate. it was now or never (then or then-ever?) so we made a run for it. it was rather easy, jumping over the picket fence, the escape would've been easy if it wasn't for her flowery skirt. we wasted precious seconds trying to untangle the flowery mess and sprinted whil(e)st being chased, ran right through a hedge into another unfamiliar neighbour's yard, still panting.

i sat down in a corner of what seemed to be an apple orchid while kate ran around plucking apples with butterflies in her hair and the sun in her eyes. was it daytime already? i felt like a coccoon in my body there, in the corner, anything could've ruined my moment till i saw a man walk by, didn't notice me, tugged at the pickles that hung from the tree above... weren't we in an apple orchid?

the room was spinning... where the fuck have i been this week?

my mind's got a mind of its own

to begin with, i haven't had a perfect life so far, completely unproductive in every way. my parents have set a good example of how not to raise their child. that's why i have a little sister, they made a mistake and they wanted to prove to the world that they could do better. the world forgave them eventually for not strangling me at birth when i first showed signs of sadism and arson.

anyway, skipping my life history, i have been useful and productive to the system in a very minute proportion as compared to the rest of you fucks. i've never had a job that filled the already-deep corporate pockets and i've always dabbled with this little thing called art. needless to say, i have reason to believe that people want me dead.

hence, all my life, 20 long, long years, i have stayed hidden from the public eye trying to devise a method or an idea that would, somehow, increase my life's worth and make people think twice before wanting to hurt, or kill me. apart from my will and desire to be completely unhelpful to everyone at all times, there have been numerous ideas over the course of two decades. at first, i thought that i could devise a way in which vacuum cleaners would save the earth. i was obviously over-estimating the power of vacuum cleaners because... they can't. but it was worth a try. after this failed attempt i had to move further underground to keep my research growing. i read more enid blyton books and got even further inspired but it all ended when people associated me with "nicknames" like "pussy" and "wimp", which is something that tends to happen if you're 18 years old, reading the famous five series and discussing controversial matters such as timmy kirrin's cuteness quotient while everyone's getting drunk. my butterfly/flower fascination didn't help my case too much either.

then i came across a line in a book somewhere that i may or may not have read. probably a back issue of penthouse or something. it said, "give the people what they need", or something like that. and the world complains constantly for not having a cure for aids. although, most people just use that as an excuse because they don't get laid. in reality, most said "aids victims" suffer from an alarmingly common disease called smallcox which affects all japanese, vietnamese and chinese people. that's like... 1/3rd of the world i think, and it can't be wiped out unless we kill all of them and given the number of chinese men around the world, in the next two-three generations they're destined to go around the world bonking someone or the other... the disease is spreading people! aah! thankfully, men can't get that disease unless their father's one of the smallcox victims so it's okay to have sex with chinese men, phew!

either way, back to aids. we all know that aids is a disease and if it were a person, it would be a fat, hairy judas priest fan who never gets laid and hence, his first and foremost purpose is to stop people from having unprotected sex with anyone at anytime and any given place which leads to the thought in my acid filled brain that it might be a government plot, but government plots aside (i'm gonna have plenty more time for that) aids is a serious disorder... (disease, whatever) aids kills! seriously, i ain't fuckin' around!

there are different kinds of aids, such as:
a] hearing aids - a result of excessive phone-sex. the number of people suffering from hearing aids shot up tremendously after the introduction of conference-calling.
b] hades - named after the greek god hades, the god of the greek underworld. this branch of aids affects hot aussie gothic chicks that lie around in giant jacuzzi tubs while fondling and... *senseless murmuring with eyes closed*
c] aides - this is a disease that affects fat american women that go to the gym for no apparent reason (we all know you're going to crawl back home, dive on the couch and each chips off your stomach, lard ass) they all have hot, masculine aides to help them out and make them feel sexy and slim while "accidentally" touching them where the sun don't shine for a meagre fee of $300 a month. it's a dangerous disease but noone cares.

prevention:
all of us that have been through 3rd grade successfully, know that "prevention is better than cure", so preventing aids is a lot easier than curing it. hence, my online-blog-post-thesis about aids is going to be, more or less, about the prevention of aids, not the cure (ha!)

you can prevent aids by putting a birthday balloon on your shlong. this is a rather pleasant surprise if it's her birthday, this way you won't have to buy her flowers and candy and stuff. make sure it's an expensive balloon, isn't pink and doesn't say "hapi birday". make sure you're hard when you show it to her, otherwise it might be a little difficult to read with the balloon all wrinkly and shrivelled up. works without the balloon too, you just need a magic marker.

you can also prevent aids by not sharing a needle while shooting up, but i guess that if you're really shooting up, aids isn't really your biggest problem right now.

symptoms:
if you are experiencing some of the following symptoms, you might be a victim of aids.
the very first symptom you'll experience is a pounding sensation in your ass. this can be prevented if you just say "no", but it's hard to just say "no" when you have a few drinks down your throat and you were really close to fucking a hen a few seconds ago.

test yourself before playing the field again
that's right... people don't mind getting aids but they mind getting yours,  there's no need to be generous here, participating in orgies with the aids monkey on your back isn't what i meant when i said "share everything you have", i just wanted your sandwich, so you should walk into the nearest hospital, vet clinic or gypsy tent as soon as you can and get yourself checked, then we'll talk.

when going in for the test, don't be too scared. stick out your arm like a needle junkie craving for some smack. show the doctor that you have no fear at all. don't let the sweating and the shivering bother you, it's not your nervousness doing that, it's probably the aids.

your attitude matters!
when going in for the test, always have a positive attitude. keep thinking to yourself... positive! positive! positive! (i mean, attitude-wise) this may have contradictory consequences on your nervousness.

are you tooooo positive?
don't worry, it's not the end of the world... it's only the end of your world. my world is fine, but yours can be almost as fii-i-i-i-ne as mine! two words... aids. games. these are games that people with aids play while waiting for death. like taking a girl from behind, whispering "i have aids" in her ear and checking how long you can stay inside her. word on the street is, the record to beat is some 18 seconds... so get on the horse, you virus ridden rodeo, you!

pitch dark anjuna, lit by the silver moonlight breaking in through the clouds and stars that looked like little windows letting some of heaven's light fall to the earth.
we had a good time didn't we?

our very own psychedelic circus.

"haven't had a dream in a long time..."

the sea raged like the heart of a hurricane
the heart of a hurricane is like a dance on the devil's stage
the devil's stage is the world through lucy's eyes
lucy's eyes are a dark green ring surrounding a deep well, glassy and wide
the well is her window to the world
the world is the devil's stage, hosting a ballet that no one watches
they all have eyes that can't see greed, but colours
the look in people's eyes taught lucy to fear life
life taught lucy to welcome death
death is life in a single frame, the last one
the last frame being the crossover
lucy saw it and said, "i can not be afraid anymore", and she isn't

"i found closure", she said, "i saw myself cry, tell me it hasn't done me any good now."

over on the otherside, she saw her wait
she looked but couldn't talk, nor could she move
it was a movement that did what lucy feared the most, her... she disappeared
lucy felt herself move out of the cold tunnel
the cold tunnel was the center of her brain, the spirit molecule
the spirits moved in, closer... but none she recognized
she felt a pang of regret, pain, and she knew that it could be seen in her eyes
or not, because her eyes and her eyes only were capable, still open like the deep well she saw herself next to

the depth didn't scare her anymore, "how stupid would it be", she said, "to fear your own eyes."

the tinge of green widened, she could feel it, not in her eyes, but in her head
nothing was clear anymore, and nothing made sense
the sun shone like a bright red star, but she couldn't taste it anymore
she knew she had, she couldn't tell, it didn't seem possible now, she reached out for it
she craved for energy to flow into her from her hands, from the wind, from her hair
she craved for the sour taste of the morning star, that's what it tasted like before, she couldn't even make it disappear

"fucking peasants", she said.

how neat... i'm impressed
how did you come to be... so blessed?

once upon a time, in a land far far away, lived moi.

moi then went to a land further away because he was carrying two drops of a magic potion on sugar cubes that he wouldn't be caught dead with, once ingested. but i don't know why you would want to know about him, i'll tell you about me.

one of these december days, reza, laura, esha and me rented a hut at matheran so we could get away from home for a while. the view was breath taking. actually there was no view... thousands of feet above sea level, with our heads in the clouds (literally) along with the rest of our bodies, dew drops making our sweaters glitter (and hair irritatingly moist), trees looking threatening while allowing for minimal light to pass through their dense leaves and temperatures soaring lower as the sun rose, there are very few situations that demand lsd, this was one of them.

luckily, i was carrying two drops of a magic potion on sugar cubes that i wouldn't be caught dead with, once ingested.

there were eight huts in all, built around a circular stone pavement. it took us an hour of a trek to reach there so we knew we'd be alone, the only thing we wouldn't be able to guarantee was privacy by occupants of other huts. thankfully, owing to the wonderful weather (and our fortunate delusion of what wonderful weather really is) there was just one occupied hut that day. ours. the locks of the rest were begging to be broken but there wasn't a crowbar in sight so we decided that we should just let them be.

just before you take lsd there are a few complicated calculations that have to be made. they aren't really complicated but i like to think so. first you have to determine your dosage. a 250 microgram dose is what's called the hofmann dose. that's the exact dose that albert hofmann took on the bicycle day. it lasts for 8-12 hours with the peak coming in at 3-4 hours after the trip starts. a fatal dose would be about 300 micrograms for every kilogram of your body.

the second complicated calculation comes in with the source. blotters (paper) take about 2-3 hours to kick in. lsd drops to the eye start as soon as within half an hour. geltabs take about an hour or two.

these extremely complex calculations need to be carried out and recorded in order to estimate the chronological dimension of your ingestion (in simple words: figure out when to drop it) because, as a wise man once said, "ooh... you guys trippin? dude... you have to watch the sunrise on it maaaaan".

since the weather was so beautiful, we were completely oblivious to the fact that there even might be a sunrise or a sunset around in the near future, hence, the calculations were spared. *phew*

i took the acid at 3 am or so and the shivers started immediately. actually it was faaahkin' cold, but the real shivers started at 4 am or so, soon lights ceased to hold focus and started moving around. the sky held trails of little movements that i made with my hands. within a few minutes or so, the huts started looking like big, brown, cylindrical japanese fishermen with pointy hats. the windows of the huts adjusted themselves to make the huts look even more like japanese people and soon enough, they were talking to me about calculus.

i've said this before and i say it again, i've predominantly decided to experiment with lsd to learn but i sure as hell didn't want to learn the derivatives of inverse trigonometric functions so i had to ask the stupid huts to shut up. i probably sounded really mean to them and for a second there i was scared i'd be the victim of a sacred, unknown art of hut-kung-fu, but the huts moaned and stood still, disappointed. soon enough, the huts weren't moving at all, just pouting. i apologized and promised them my full attention as soon as my trip ended, that's when they changed back to being regular huts and not intellectual-trained-in-the-art-of-combat-and-fishing huts. but the rest was all moving.

turns out, it wasn't the huts talking... it was reza and esha bitching about someone from school (reza has a habit of saying "cos" instead of "because", hence the trigonometric delusions) and not the huts (wha?!) but i only understood that after my trip ended.

the problem with people on acid is
a] stupid people that think they're really flying and jump off buildings instead of trying to take off the ground first
b] it's hard to understand what they're saying most of the time, unless you've had more than one experience with lsd before

since 97% (a statistic i did not just make up, if i had to i'd say 98%) of people that try lsd don't ever return to it, there are only a handful of people that'll pass off anything i say as "logical" instead of "stupid" or "aa haa!", but if you haven't ever touched it, i'll let you in on the key of lsd.

when you're on acid, you're like a child, the only difference is that all the knowledge you've picked up along the way still remains with you during and after. so, just like a child, you will be easy to convince, easy to deceive, easy to tamper with. if i had to tell you that i was going to kill you while you were tripping, you would believe me, probably get into a defensive position. if you had a knife you would counter-attack without thinking. that's the state of paranoia and comfort you're in at the time. also, since you're using all of your brain, you tend to over-think everything.

that morning in matheran (morning, was it?) i was in a similar state. i wanted to observe the place all by myself, confident i wouldn't have a bad trip because i felt a sense of protection offered by a few japanese fishermen. one of them was called bob, not kidding. by the time i peaked, paranoia had started to kick in. reza looked like she was going to take off with the car at any moment and leave us stranded there... or even worse, maybe they were all going to leave me stranded there... that's why they brought me here... i knew something was fishy, that's what they wanted to do, why else would they take time off their jobs and comfortable beds to live in huts in the freezing cold? but they didn't look like they were going to leave me there, no one looked like they were in a hurry to run off, they were just... there... sitting... maybe they werent' going to leave me stranded, free for the vultures to pick on, or ufos to abduct (did i mention the ufos with "how am i flying?" stickers on them?)

i knew paranoia was kicking in, but i was so paranoid that i was sure i wasn't being paranoid. and that paranoia was a direct result of reality, which it wasn't, it was just paranoia. i still took the car keys and reza's credit card so she couldn't run away, for some reason she looks way too wicked every time i've seen her while i've been tripping. my only source of consolation was esha, she would be the one shooing the vultures away from my dead body if i did die. or maybe that's because she was a perverted little cannibal and reza was just helping her out, bringing me here, giving me acid so esha could fulfill her sick fantasies. then i looked at her. she did not look like a perverted little cannibal, but i still asked her if she could duct tape her mouth. (this might sound like a joke but it so is not)

ah, death... the final phase of the lsd trip is when you start thinking about death. this is probably the longest phase. it was kicking in.

that's when i noticed that laura was missing. i was then sure that esha had already devoured on the her bloody carcass (reza probably ran over her with her car) and that i was next. this is not how i wanted to die. (hmm... die... maybe i had reached the last phase, or maybe i was still too paranoid to think straight) so there i was, giving both of them a silent stare, pacing furthur away from them (and closer to bob) and in the blink of an eye, i sprinted backwards and banged into bob.

bob was kinda soft for a japanese warrior of his kind, i thought, and i turned around slowly, thinking bob might want to silence me, since now i knew that he had a soft, womanly body... something japanese warriors wouldn't be proud of (or want other japanese warriors to know about) and there she stood, and i almost shrieked, "laura! she didn't eat you?", "no sweety, she didn't!". then i looked at esha, she didn't look like a flesh hungry cat anymore, but i wasn't about to take chances. "they're gonna get us...", "no sweety, they won't", "are you sure?", "yes", "she doesn't want to eat us?", "noooo!", "are you sure? she hasn't had anything to eat since last night", "i'm sure she'll look for some real food before she eats us, then we'll have time to escape".

i felt re-assured for a while, i was pretty sure the guy carrying poha and chai on a bicycle would come by any second, that would take care of her cannibal appetite for a while. reza wasn't there anymore, there was an alien-insect in her place, probably fell from the ufo above, checking out what kind of drugs we have here on earth (since it was smoking a joint) as soon as i felt the urge to be alone, laura was back on top of one of the unoccupied huts, smoking a cigarette. she looked lonely and it felt like it was my fault. i had reached the point where i was sure that death was a few hours away and i had to set everything right before i left for the spiritual world. i could see people, yes, but that didn't matter, because i could sense them. everyone had a colour, which i wasn't sure how i was seeing because it wasn't exactly visible. reza was an extatic red and a pitch black, colors i had learned to associate with worry and secrecy. esha was a white, unaware and sleepy. laura was a dark grey, depressed and in deep thought. i believe i had to start with laura, so i climbed the hut and sat next to her. without a word, she checked to see if my pupils had dilated and i could sense a dark blue... curiosity. the dark greys seemed to dim down considerably (i still don't know where the colors came from) and my trip was ending. i think the best was saved for last for me here.

"how's your trip going? are you feeling alright?", "it's going down, but i can still see things change", "do you have anything to write about this time?", "a lot!", "ah, i wish i had carried some for myself, i'm so happy for you". but her colors showed none of what she just mentioned... happiness, desire, need. infact, she changed to a dark green almost suddenly, blinding out all the greys and the blues, the color of envy, shakespeare said.

"green with envy", i said. "if you say so", she smiled. "you won't believe what just happened", "what?", "when did shakespeare live?", "same time as beaumont or a little before that i think, fifteen hundreds", "i think shakespeare was on psilocybin"